Crossing the Bar
by The Odd Little Turtle
Summary: E-mails between Joker and Ashley in the year 2185 discussing Joker's resignation from the Alliance, Shepard's death, and other things. Takes place after ME1 and goes through ME2.
1. You've Got Mail

A/N: For order and because it's more than one chapter (and may grow). Written because of a rabid plot varren from me_challenge on LiveJournal. Not beta'd. Also, I had to correct the email addresses to compensate for FF dot net's wonky formatting. I took the format of Ashley's pre-ME1 email and ran with it (and scissors).

Summary: Joker and Ashley exchange emails in the year 2185.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

_You've Got Mail_

Joker rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger, clearing the day's latest stress from his mind, compartmentalizing. He'd deal with it later. Now wasn't the time to think about the—

His omni-tool blipped a familiar tune. E-mail. He debated on just ignoring it, but wondered idly if Dr. Chakwas had gotten his message from earlier. Curiosity got the better of him.

_Curiosity killed the cat._ His frown deepened as he read:

From: Ashley Williams (ashley. m. williams at arcturus. mil. sa)  
Sent: February 19, 2185 19:09 UT  
To: Joker (jeff. t. moreau at mc-17. mars. mil. sa)  
Subject: Thirty Pieces

Joker, you bastard –

I can't believe you! You don't just quit because something isn't going your way. Shepard never gave up. Neither should you. Sure, you're grounded now, but they'll come around. You're the best damn helmsman in the fleet!

I miss you, too. Don't go getting all big-headed about it. It was just a statement. I haven't seen you since you were laid up in the hospital after the attack. Besides, I miss all the old crew. Shepard, Pressly, Kaidan, Patty, Han. We've lost a lot of people we cared about. I just wish things were different. If Shepard were still alive—I don't know if anything would be different. We were sent to wipe out pockets of geth and ended up getting attacked by—what the hell was it anyway? I know the politicians are covering something up. I know that's why you and Dr. Chakwas were sent to Mars. What the hell did you see up there?

Dr. Chakwas emailed me the other day about that biotic fund. Parliament is still debating the L2 reparations, but she said she wanted to do something to help all the kids that were exposed at Yandoa, Freedom's Progress and Mindoir. Did you hear about that one? One of the supply freighters collided with a shuttle over Mindoir's capital. No survivors on the shuttle. Two were infants. The freighter's captain is in custody. We think he may be in cahoots with Cerberus. My team and I got called in to clean up the mess. It wasn't pretty.

And, no, "cute couple" was called by Adams long before you ever said anything. Alliance SOP: Bridge has the external sensors; Engineering has the survellance cameras, Jackass. You got into the pool after Vakarian. It took forever to convince him that a pool is not the same thing as gambling and therefore allowable under the Regs. Someone needs to take that stick out of his ass.

Tali emails you? I haven't heard from her at all. We weren't exactly BFFs. You and she were the ship junkies. I like speed and aerodynamic styles, but I can barely keep my omni-tool running much less talk about ships and engines and drive cores. Next time you hear from her, tell her I said "Hey," or something.

Neon green? That's nasty.

How's that new therapy going? What did you call it? Bone Weave? You're in my prayers. I hope it works out for you. Your left leg was pretty mangled after the attack.

Don't do anything stupid. The politicians have their heads up their asses, but we did good out there. We're doing good now. I've got to report for duty in a half an hour, so I'm going to knock off here. I think I might be headed back out to the Traverse in a few weeks, but they've been keeping things under wraps. Something big is going down. Pray for me, okay?

-- Ash

--Original Message--

From: Joker (jeff. t. moreau at mc-17. mars. mil. sa)  
Sent: February 19, 2185 06:33 UT  
To: Ashley Williams (ashley. m. williams at arcturus. mil. sa)  
Subject: Biotic Fund

Hey, Doll—

Dr. Chakwas wanted me to make sure you knew about the fund for kids with biotics. She's says she's going to name it after Kaidan. I think Kaidan would go all red in the face like that time you called him out on his crush on Shepard. I still say they were into each other. Regs be damned. They would have been cute. Yeah, you read that right. I, Joker--that creaky-legged freak (but greatest helmsman to have ever limped--currently rolling)--have called "cute couple". If he hadn't died—well, I'd rather not bring up Virmire.

Have you heard from Tali lately? It isn't like her not to keep in touch regularly, and I haven't heard from her in about three weeks.

I saw you on the news the other day. Operations Chief Ashley Williams has a nice ring to it. Congratulations!!1! Shepard, your dad and granddad would be proud of you. Sorry I couldn't make your promotion ceremony, I'm stuck at a desk on Mars.

Can you believe it? I'm groundside. Mars Medical. I check med students in all day and administer drug testing. I don't think I've ever been so bored. Dr. Chakwas says that the position is very respectable. I called bullshit, and she actually agreed. I'm a helmsman, not a pecker checker. Yeah. That's me. Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau, meat grazer of the Academy. Did you know that piss glows neon green if you use Hallex? Some things were not meant to be seen.

I'm giving the Alliance another week to look over my request for reposting. I put in for the SSV Perugia nearly six months ago and still haven't gotten any word back. Not even a "Kiss my ass, Moreau!" from them. If I don't hear back from the Brass, I'm resigning. I've already composed the resignation letter. Don't tell Chakwas. She's been depressed lately. Won't tell me why.

If I resign, I'll take you out for real this time. I hate this long distance crap. I miss you. I don't mean that in a touchy-feely way, so don't be getting any girly ideas on me. I owe you a beer or two for something. I just can't remember what.

I've got to go. Going to get some shuteye before I hit the Officers' Lounge. (It really sucks, but there isn't anything else here.) Stay safe.

--J

This message originated from an Alliance military network. It has been censored at transmission source for security purposes. Any reply may be read by military authorities.

* * *

Feedback and input are always welcome, but not required for your enjoyment. :)


	2. Censure

**Chapter 2**

_Censure_

To: Jeff Moreau (joker2183-sr1 at ward8. arcturus. civ. pub)  
Sent: April 26, 2185 08:17 UT  
From: Ashley Williams (ashley. m. williams at ain. jalut. navy. mil. sa)  
Subject: Re: I had to

Joker, you idiot –

So you did it. You're a civilian now. Don't tell me not to yell at you. You don't outrank me anymore. But, you know what? I'm not going to yell at you. I wish the best for you. Really. I'm pissed that you waited this long to tell me though. February? Really pissed. But after our last fight, I can see why you waited. I'll have to go back and look at my e-mails because I can't remember what I was pissed about.

Oh, wait. Those damned illegal mods in your legs. What were you thinking?!! Are you insane? Do you even have a liver left? What about your pancreas? Did they exchange your balls for your kneecaps? Oh, yeah. I'm still pissed about those mods. Walking be damned, Joker. Not worth wrecking the rest of your body. Remember Feros? How about Nodacrux? The doctors don't care what it does to your body. It's their job to study you like a rat in a cage and when it doesn't work, they move on to the next subject with little regard to what they've done to you. You're just a chart with numbers.

I'm on a mission right now, so, no drinks on the Citadel for us anytime soon. I don't know when I'll be out of (CENSORED). That something big that I thought was going down the last time you and I spoke civilly? It's going down. It's going down in a big way.

Look, I shouldn't say anything, but there's a nasty rumor going around about (CENSORED) and her being a part of (CENSORED). I pray to God that's all it is. A rumor. She's been dead for nearly two years. You were there. You saw it. You saw (CENSORED).

I have to tell you that (CENSORED). (CENSORED). (CENSORED). That isn't even the half of it, Jeff. (CENSORED), too.

It just that (CENSORED). It makes no sense. I'm not (CENSORED). And the politicians don't want to listen. I would never (CENSORED). So they're (CENSORED) out in the (CENSORED) systems. I'm Alliance. I go where Personnel Command tells me, but this feels hinky. (Don't ask. Sar uses that word all the time. She says "Hi" and "You're cute", by the way. Don't go getting any ideas about my little sister, pal. Just because you've got new legs doesn't mean I don't know how to break them a half a dozen ways. I'm a marine; I've got a gun; and I know where you sleep.)

(CENSORED). I mean, hell, (CENSORED). (CENSORED)? What if (CENSORED)? (CENSORED). And what's worse, (CENSORED)! (CENSORED). (CENSORED). (CENSORED). Think about it. Think long and hard. (CENSORED) knew about (CENSORED) and we couldn't (CENSORED). And that's scary. Black, hairy monsters without elbows scary.

Be careful, all right? They're bad news. And if the rumors are true, then we're pretty much screwed. Not just the Alliance. We're talking whole (CENSORED). (CENSORED) had us all fooled. She was a good (CENSORED), but if she's alive... well, you don't need me telling you what it's like to have a (CENSORED). (CENSORED) might be involved. I mean we had those husks and rachni and creepers they were experimenting on two years ago when (CENSORED) took them down.

Whoops. Wrote a book. I've got to (CENSORED). I'll comm you when my team's done (CENSORED). I don't know how long that will be. Thanks for the birthday wishes.

Good luck with your new job and your new life. I'm praying for you, you jackass.

I miss you. You can take that however you want. It's not like you actually listen to anything I say anyway.

--Ash

P.S. - Chakwas? A marine? Yikes. Please, please don't give her a gun. I only trust her to patch us up. Wait. I just read that again. Did she quit too? What's going on, Joker? What aren't you telling me?

This message originated from an Alliance military network. It has been censored at transmission source for security purposes. Any reply may be read by military authorities.

--Original Message--

To: Ashley Williams (ashley. m. williams at ain. jalut. navy. mil. sa)  
Sent: April 20, 2185 13:06 UT  
From: Jeff Moreau (joker2183-sr1 at ward8. arcturus. civ. pub)  
Subject: I had to

Hey Doll--

Happy belated birthday. I've been on the waiting list for two weeks for this terminal. I really wanted to send you a birthday greeting on the day of, but that didn't work out. Such is life.

Before you start yelling (no more ALL CAPS, okay?), just read this and read it with an open mind.

I quit the Alliance. That's why I had to wait for the terminal. No all caps. None. I'll delete your message without even reading it. I mean it, Ash.

I quit at the end of February. I just couldn't sit around knowing about the colonies and the Reapers and not being on the front lines doing something—even piloting a damn shuttle—to show my support for the Commander. I was a stupid coward for even sticking it out as long as I did. Shepard deserves more than the Alliance and the Council have given her. I can finally say, "Yes, I knew Commander Jane Shepard. Yes, I fought Sovereign, a sentient ship. There are more out there. And they want to wipe out all organic life in the galaxy. No, it isn't the geth. They come around every 50,000 years." Maybe I'll get a book deal out of it. Got to pay the bills, right? Don't lecture me on materialism again. I've got to eat. I have doctors' bills to pay.

I tried it your way. I really did. Dr. Chakwas and I talked about it too. She's just as bored as I was. We'll be working together now that the bone mods are complete and my therapy is in full swing. I'm almost to the point where I can do sit-ups. Honest-to-God sit-ups. Hurts like hell, but, hey, sit-ups and nothing breaks, creaks or snaps.

No yelling. None!

I can't get away from her, Chakwas. She's always nagging about do this, do that, don't do that or that or even that. She would have made one bitchin marine. Don't you think?

Well, that's all the news I've got for you other than I was proud to serve with you aboard the Normandy, blah, blah, blah. You get the picture. I don't have the penchant for words like you do. My idea of a speech is to read it directly from my omni-tool after it's been written by someone with a good idea of how to write.

I'll be starting my new job next week. They haven't told me what I'll be flying yet, but it should be sweet. The boss says the ship is newly commissioned and state-of-the-art. I can't wait to try her out. Civilians are all about comfort so hopefully the helm has leather seats. That would be the icing. I already know my captain. I can't say who she is, but, Doll, it's great. It's really, really great.

If you've got time, let's meet up and go for drinks on the Citadel. I want to see you. No yelling allowed. The doctors' say I'll never be able to run and dance and there's still a chance of stress fractures, but at least I can get to the head without breaking something if I step wrong. I don't have to worry about a fall killing me anymore. We could go and have a good night out. How does that sound?

Take care.

--J


	3. Flame Mail

**Chapter 3**

_Flame Mail_

Joker smiled smugly. After the day he had been having, taking out his frustration on the Normandy's AI was pure bliss. "It's just mad at me because all of its footage of me looks like a dream sequence."

Shepard seemed at a loss for words. Briefly. She studied the helmsman a moment. "You okay?"

Joker knew there was no getting around Shepard's questioning. The only thing to do was to make Shepard as uncomfortable as possible in order to get her to drop the subject.

Might as well be truthful about it. "It was strange hearing Ash—Operations Chief Williams' voice over the comm the other day," he admitted. It irritated him that his voice sounded all wistful and shit. He wasn't wistful. He was still pissed with Ashley and her latest holier-than-thou e-mail.

The Commander hefted an eyebrow. "I thought you didn't date crew mates."

"We never broke Alliance Regs, Commander," he told her quietly, gave her a shrug. "We were friends. After the crew went their separate ways, and I got stuck on Mars, Ash and I talked." He sighed and turned his chair so he could call up his mail. "She didn't like the bone mods," he commented lightly. Might as well go all the way. "Want to know what she thinks about me and you and Cerberus? Or are you still too pissed about it?" He gave the Commander clearance to read his mail with a vague gesture of his hand, then slumped back in his chair.

Shepard's hand on his shoulder was warm and reassuring.

* * *

To: Jeff Moreau (joker2183-sr1 at sr2. eldfell-ashland-group. term. net. oz)  
Sent: June 16, 2185 15:02 UT  
From: Ashley Williams (ashley. m. williams at ain. jalut. navy. mil. sa)  
Subject: RE: RE: Happy Birthday

Moreau--

My "friend"? Don't give me that bullshit, you son of a bitch! I don't know which of you I'm more pissed at. You or her. Neither of you bothered to let me know that she was alive! You also conveniently left out the part about you two working for a terrorist group. Cerberus? Really, Joker? Was it worth it?

I'm hurt and I'm angry. If I want to take it out on you, then that's my prerogative. When I cool off I'll talk and be civil. Or maybe I won't. You're part of Cerberus now. The bad guys. Would serve you both right if I never spoke to either of you again.

Did you not think I would want to know that Shepard was alive and well? She was more than my commanding officer, Jeff. She was my friend. The same for you and Alenko. Friendships like we had are hard to come by these days. Thanks for stabbing me in the back.

I'm on my way back to the Citadel to deliver my report to Councilor Anderson and get my next assignment. At least I'm being pulled off Horizon. Those colonists really had it in for me. Now that the GARDIANs are working, I don't have to be stuck in the Terminus systems anymore.

And for your information, yes, I do know what it's like to watch someone you care about die. You weren't on Eden Prime, pal. You didn't get to see firsthand what the geth were doing to the colonists and my unit.

I'll talk to you later. If I feel like talking. Be careful out there.

--Operations Chief Ashley M. Williams

P. S. - Stop calling me Doll. I'm a marine.

This message originated from an Alliance military network. It has been censored at transmission source for security purposes. Any reply may be read by military authorities.

--Original Message--

To: Ashley Williams (ashley. m. williams at ain. jalut. navy. mil. sa)  
Sent: June 16, 2185 07:33 UT  
From: Jeff Moreau (joker2183-sr1 at sr2. eldfell-ashland-group. term. net. oz)  
Subject: RE: Happy Birthday

Hey Doll--

Where's all that animosity coming from, Ashley? I haven't done anything to you but try to be your friend.

So I didn't tell you who I work for. It was a little difficult pulling bone mods out of my ass. Had to have a little help, and since the Council and Alliance decided to shit on Shepard and everything we did when we took down Sovereign, they were the people to go to. They said they could bring back Shepard and they did. So I got a bonus out of the deal. End of story. Shepard needed a pilot who could have her back. I did a shitty job of it last time. I got an upgrade so I could do it better this time. Liver's still fine, thanks.

I don't trust them anymore than you do, but they brought Shepard back. It's more than anyone could have hoped for. It's got to count for something. The Reapers are still out there. Shepard's going to stop them. I saw her pull off miracles two years ago. You saw it too. Dr. Chakwas, Tali and Garrus are here with me. We trust Shepard. Why can't you?

Thanks for the birthday wishes. They were great. Especially when you peppered them with holier-than-thous. Just the kick in the teeth I needed for my 30th. I feel so special. We should go have hate sex on Tuchanka the next time we're both in the krogan DMZ.

And you're right. I have had work hard for everything my entire life. I don't expect this to be a free ride. I expect it to be a wild one. Wish you were here. The new Normandy is awesome. I get my own rack and the seats are leather.

Still miss me, or are you too angry to care any more?

--J

--You Replied To--

To: Jeff Moreau (joker2183-sr1 at sr2. eldfell-ashland-group. term. net. oz)  
Sent: June 15, 2185 12:45 UT  
From: Ashley Williams (ashley. m. williams at ain. jalut. navy. mil. sa)  
Subject: Happy Birthday

Joker--

First of all, it's your birthday, so Happy Birthday. I hope your adventures in orbit around Horizon were fun and exciting. Yeah, I know you were there. I know who you work for. I pieced it together when Shepard told you to send down the shuttle.

You know what I really hate? When people you trust stab you in the back. It really hurts.

Shepard's alive. Just like the rumors said. So Cerberus isn't behind the abducted colonies. It's the Collectors. But you already know that. You've known that she was alive this entire time. You didn't tell me! How could you do that to me? I trusted you!

She said she was rebuilt by Cerberus, but how much of that is really true? I know they've got that controversy on Earth with Huerta, but how do you really know its her? Did she really even die? Was she spaced like you said or were you both working for Cerberus the entire time we were chasing after Saren?

Does Shepard realize you sold out the Alliance for a pair of legs and fancy ship? With everything you've been through in your life, you betrayed us for a free ride. How many innocent people died or were experimented on to get you those new legs?

You know what? I really, really hate you right now. You didn't just stab me in the back, Joker. You stabbed me in the heart too.

--Ash

P.S. Sar says "Happy Birthday" too. I haven't told her about Cerberus. It's classified. She doesn't know you betrayed her trust, too.

This message originated from an Alliance military network. It has been censored at transmission source for security purposes. Any reply may be read by military authorities.


	4. Farewell

**Chapter 4**

_Farewell_

"How much further, EDI?" Joker wiped the sweat from his forehead and replaced his hat. He'd never been one to be claustrophobic, having been in cockpits and bridges all his career, but as he crawled across the ship in the slim tube used by the Engineers to make repairs with only very little lighting--in some places none at all--he felt like the walls were closing in on him.

"You are doing well, Jeff." EDI's voice was pleasant but soft, coaxing him along. "There are only five more meters before there is a sharp turn towards the Engineering shaft."

His knees ached just thinking about it. "Five meters?"

"You can do it, Jeff."

He took a breath and continued to crawl, his every move haunted by Kelly's screams as she was dragged into the elevator by a--he didn't know what it was. Joker had been too paralyzed to do much more than watch as Hawthorne had been thrown into the wall and Kelly had been captured by the creatures. It took every last nerve he had to wait behind the bulkhead until the elevator doors had closed to move as fast as he could to the med ward.

"Why didn't they use those bug things Mordin was studying to subdue the crew?" Joker asked when he reached the turn EDI had referred to.

"I do not know," the AI told him. "There is not enough data to form a hypothesis. One assumption would be that they were not expecting resistance from the crew."

Joker backed his way onto the ladder and climbed down. "Think they were expecting Shepard to be here?"

"I do not know. There is not enough data to make an assumption."

* * *

After getting his ass chewed out by Miranda and Shepard for losing the crew and unshackling EDI, Joker wanted to hit something.

But hitting something meant fracturing something so he only hobbled up to the bridge when Shepard ordered him, his knees continuing to ache from the long crawl across the ship and the fall in Engineering.

God, there were a lot of empty chairs.

He did as Shepard instructed him, setting course for the Omega 4 Relay. Then he sent an email to Ashley. Hell, after this, he may never see her again. Might as well tell her.

It was thirty minutes before they arrived at the Omega 4 when Ashley responded. He grinned as he read it.

* * *

To: Jeff Moreau (joker2183-sr1 at sr2. eldfell-ashland-group. term. net. oz)  
Sent: July 27, 2185 04:18 UT  
From: Ashley Williams (ashley. m. williams at h. embassy. citadel. mil. sa)  
Subject: RE: (no subject specified)

Joker--

Are you alright? Stupid question. Of course you're not. You're in my prayers. Please be careful.

I can't take back what I said before, and I'm sorry that we haven't talked since Horizon. I said a lot of stupid stuff. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I am sorry for what I said. You obviously had a crappy birthday and I'm sorry for that... Old Man. I didn't expect either of you to be working for Cerberus and certainly never expected Shepard to be raised from the dead. Take care of the Skipper for me. I can't lose her a second time, Joker. Don't let her die again.

I don't want to lose what we have. You survive the encounter with Collectors and I'll take you up on that offer all those months ago about a night out on the Citadel. Meet me on September 20th. I'll let you know where and the time on September 19th.

Stay safe and rip the Collectors a new one for me.

For what it's worth--I love you, too, you jackass. Don't you dare die on me.

--Ash

P.S. - Right back at you:  
For tho' from out our bourne of Time and Place  
The flood may bear me far,  
I hope to see my Pilot face to face  
When I have crost the bar.

This message originated from an Alliance military network. It has been censored at transmission source for security purposes. Any reply may be read by military authorities.

--Original Message--

To: Ashley Williams (ashley. m. williams at h. embassy. citadel. mil. sa)  
Sent: July 27, 2185 02:44 UT  
From: Jeff Moreau (joker2183-sr1 at sr2. eldfell-ashland-group. term. net. oz)  
Subject: (no subject specified)

Ashley--

I fucked up again and got the crew abducted by the Collectors and unleashed the ship's AI. Yeah. An AI. EDI. She's actually pretty cool now that she isn't blocked by protocols. Snarky as hell and likes to pick on me. You would like her, come to think about it. She's not "I will kill you for just being organic". She's more "I think faster than you bitches, and you will know my Overlorditude." It's cute really. Like Mom. Only not.

Shepard's okay. She and her team weren't on board when I screwed the pooch. Shepard's pissed. You know things explode when Shepard gets pissed.

We're heading into the Omega 4 Relay to take back the crew and save the colonists. According to EDI it leads directly into the Galactic Core. Scary shit. I won't say things are rosy, because they aren't. We probably won't make it. I just wanted you to know that if I don't make it, there's a note for my mom, sister and you at the Citadel. I've enclosed the codes to get to it. You aren't allowed to read it if I survive. No buts. Don't even think about it.

You were the greatest friend I could have ever hoped for. Still are, even if you hate my guts. Did I tell you how proud I am of your promotion? You deserved it.

Geeze, I sound like a sap. Being on a suicide mission does that to you. Wouldn't recommend it. Not healthy at all. I think you get the gist of what I'm trying to say. And I mean it. I have no doubts that Shepard will succeed, but this is worse than Virmire. People will die. I may be one of them. But you know, if it sets back the Reapers even a little, Shepard stick my ass on a flag for all I care. (I care a little, don't get me wrong. That sounds painful.)

Stay safe, Doll. Wish us luck.

--J

P. S. - Some Tennyson for you. See? I listen.  
Twilight and evening bell,  
And after that the dark!  
And may there be no sadness of farewell,  
When I embark

* * *

_Finis._

_I hope this wasn't too sappy or out of character for either Joker or Ashley. Feedback welcomed._

* * *

**_Crossing the Bar  
_**_by Lord Alfred Tennyson_

_Sunset and evening star,  
__And one clear call for me!  
__And may there be no moaning of the bar,  
__When I put out to sea, _

_But such a tide as moving seems asleep,  
__Too full for sound and foam,  
__When that which drew from out the boundless deep  
__Turns again home. _

_Twilight and evening bell,  
__And after that the dark!  
__And may there be no sadness of farewell,  
__When I embark; _

_For tho' from out our bourne of Time and Place  
__The flood may bear me far,  
__I hope to see my Pilot face to face  
__When I have crost the bar. _


End file.
